How do you approach feedback? Does the idea of telling someone how to do something differently make you cringe? Or are you a vocal partner who doesn't shy away from voicing your dissenting opinion with how something has been done? Are you often asking your peers and team for input on how to accomplish shared objectives? Or does the annual feedback and review cycle make you cringe?
Feedback can be challenging, but it doesn't have to be painful. In fact, the most meaningful feedback should be challenging. It can nudge you to consider new approaches, strategies and tactics. It's where I personally find the most learning and growth. It serves as an important lever to developing and strengthening your self awareness, which translates into building trust, stronger partnerships and ultimately being more effective. Feedback is a magical tool, or gift as some like to say, that when used well, can help you continue to grow and develop. In the absence of feedback, I have often found myself lost and slipping into the dark spiral of negativity. This is a terrible place to be and is very unproductive as it brings up all the feelings of self-doubt, questioning your value and sucking up energy that doesn't foster growth and development. Without feedback signals, you're left questioning how did you do? Did you not do well? What did you do something wrong? Exactly how badly did you do? See that negative spiral taking shape here? Shut it down.
Imagine you are in a new relationship with someone. They don't respond to your texts or calls. In this situation, I'd be pretty confident assuming you were being ghosted (I've 100% been that ghoster before). But what if they just weren't giving you any feedback to reciprocate and validate the relationship. The lack of data leaves us guessing and questioning. The same is true in business decisions. If you are looking to learn and understand how well a product is resonating with customers and you have no feedback, it will be really hard to make any sound decisions on how to prioritize your investments. In fact, I think it would be virtually impossible to go about it without making major assumptions and quite possibly getting it wrong. Feedback is an important signal that can help validate if you're on the right path, confirm what you should continue investing in and highlight areas where you may want to make additional investments or consider alternative approaches.
How do you make this critical element of being an effective partner and leader less uncomfortable and more inviting, for both the sender and the recipient?
When giving feedback there are 3 key elements to focus on:
Permission
Timing
Specificity and actionability
Okay, that's sort of cheating because it's kind of 4, but I think Specificity and Actionability go hand in hand.
Permission
Ask for permission from the recipient. Prepare them to be in the mindset of receiving feedback. If they are distracted or their focus is elsewhere, it will be difficult to make the feedback productive. This also helps prepare them to shift into a mental state where they can focus on receiving the feedback. If they're not ready to receive feedback, ask for a follow up.
Timing
If your dog takes a dump in the house, you wouldn't wait to a day or two to scold him, right? That would be super confusing for the dog and won't actually yield any improvement in negating the bad behavior. Similarly, with my six year old, I am constantly nagging him, I mean giving him feedback - "Don't drink out of the milk carton!", "Flush the toilet!", "Eat your dinner!" in an effort to course correct the behavior I don't want towards the behavior I do want. Now that I have gifted you with this terrifying visual of the chaos inside my home, let's refocus on making sure your feedback is tied to the associated action. Often times we fall into the habit of saving a bunch of feedback for an annual or semi-annual review session. While it's important to have those conversations, those should be focused on higher level feedback, not day to day communication, decision making or executing on the job. Find yourself identifying a way your colleague could do something differently? Slack them, email them, schedule a quick sync. Don't sit on it, you'll lose the momentum and the moment!
Specific and Actionable
Related to the timing element, it's important to give specifics and make the feedback actionable. I wouldn't tell my son to "Have better hygiene!". He's six and as much as I'd like him to understand that, he's not quite at the level of maturity yet required to comprehend how that translates to things he does or does not do. If you find yourself identifying an area you want to see someone change, make sure it is rooted in specifics - where you saw this happen, why it matters, what alternative approaches might look like and how they might start to take action against it. If it's vague, they will be left confused or even worse, they may misunderstand you and take a completely different course of action. Without data we make assumptions which leads to poor prioritization and decision making. With weak data and signals we misinterpret and make assumptions which leads to poor prioritization and decision making. Make your data work for you so you arrive at the intended outcome.
Train your brain to get into the rhythm of giving feedback
If you find yourself avoiding giving feedback, ask yourself why and what can you do to make this untrue. For example, if you're avoiding giving feedback because you're afraid of a negative response from the recipient, ask yourself, "How might I give this feedback so that I do not get a negative response?". For every reason, find a way to make that untrue. Question it and imagine a scenario where that reason is just completely false. (Even if this might feel a bit unrealistic). The point of the exercise is to reorient your brain to thinking about the possibilities of success and overcoming any fear you may have developed over time.
When receiving feedback, similarly, there are 3 key elements to focus on:
Permission
Sit with it
Ask Probing Questions
Permission
Give permission. Some people are very forthcoming with the feedback (I am not one of those people!) and they don't shy away from tackling it head on. It is up to you how you want to receive it. If you are not in the right mental space to receive feedback, speak up! Tell your partner and give context on why this may be difficult for you. I've gone into conversations with partners before where my mind is completely occupied with other priorities and any feedback that may be sent my direction just won't be absorbed in a meaningful way. Be honest and ask yourself, am I ready to sit and listen to what this person has to share? And if you're not, just tell them.
Sit with it
Once you are in a place to receive feedback, it's really important to sit with it. I have learned by failing at this so many times, that I have to literally sit quietly and not respond, at the risk of having a reaction that renders the feedback less impactful. I often tell my partner giving me the feedback that I appreciate the input and I'm thinking about it. Another tactic is to respond with, "That's an interesting observation." It's non-judgemental and allows you time to absorb what they just shared with you.
Ask probing questions
When you're ready to dig deeper and come with an open mind, ask for more details. Ask for specifics around the feedback if they aren't provided up front. Help train your feedback sender to model the way you want feedback to be given and in a way that is most effective for you take action from it. Ask for examples of how they've seen this done differently or for suggestions on how they might recommend things being done. And then finally, once you've been able to sit with it, digest it and understand the theme, ask other partners for feedback so you can start to identify trends. This will help you hone in on where you want to make your personal growth investment and prioritize your development. As you make these investments, revisit the theme with your partners and ask for continued feedback to validate if you are improving in the ways you want.
Finally, don't shy away from soliciting feedback. Without the data signals, you may be lost or investing in areas with lower impact. Demonstrate your willingness to grow and learn by asking for feedback from your partners.
Feedback is not a gift, it's a muscle
Feedback is not a gift that is just given or received at will. Giving and receiving feedback takes practice. It's a muscle that has to be built and continually flexed to stay healthy and sharp. If you want to dive in deeper into the topic of feedback, Brené Brown is a master at this (and many other topics). If you aren't familiar, check out her book Dare to Lead and this handy Engaged Feedback Checklist.
On that note, I'd love your feedback on this topic! In what ways have you seen feedback be impactful for you? What else would you recommend focusing on to make giving and receiving feedback effective? Do you have any tips on how to get my son to take action on my constant feedback? Just kidding on the last one, except not really.
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